The Bart TV Chronicles: The Bachelor Ep2 - A Dumb Blonde With Muscles

This week's The Bachelor started off with about 45 minutes of previews of whats to come. I turned the TV off after the previews and went to sleep..kidding..but i could have. Enough of the previews. Is the show this bad that they have to show you clips of the entire show in the beginning and every time they goto a commercial (which is every 5 minutes). I can't imagine not watching this show on the DVR. What torture.

After the previews we get a good 2 minutes of a shirtless Sean. Does this show know how to party or what?? That was sarcasm. What Sean doesn't realize is that after 2 more shows, and all that wine and bad eating, will certainly turn that body upside down. Luckily, we will see less of Sean's washboard abs and more in what's inside; because that's what really matters. {Sarcasm again. } By the way, steroids sales have boomed thanks to ABC and The Bachelor producers for endorsing it.

One On One Date #1 - Sarah aka 1 Arm Willy

Sean's first one on one date was with Sarah aka the girl with the one arm. It started with him walking on the wrong side of her, trying to grab a hand to walk with that wasn't there. Ooops. Strike 1. The reality is that Sean's dream was to always have sex with a woman with 1 arm. This will come out in his tell-all book after the show. However, Sean's idea of getting a 1 arm vulnerable woman in bed with him is to have her free-fall down the side of building with him. Nice move. Strike 2.

On their date, Sarah makes some reference about wearing her heart on her sleeve. Well, I can certainly say that it is not worn on her left one. She then tells Sean that there is something that she has to tell him and it is about their day. Hmm.. i wonder what that can be:

I have a confession Sean, I always wanted to screw a blonde.

I need to see if the rug is the same color as the curtains.

Scaling down a building made me think of the time I scissored my best friend's sister while my then-boyfriend used my bum arm as a dildo device.

She then talks openly about her disability and how it didn't allow her to certain things..including free falling from the side of a building. And while she is spilling her heart out about how wonderful Sean is and how she just wants to be loved, Sean is thinking about what is for dinner and if there will be starch in his meal because that will make him bloated. {this is what i would be thinking!} When it's Sean's turn to talk, his blonde locks and stereotypes take over as he says the following: "A man should protect a woman". I agree Sean but if your "protect" has anything to do with free-falling down a building then you need to check Webster for that definition. Strike 3.

The Group Date

This was an interesting date. Sean takes the girls to a mansion, which i still dont know whose it was, and has then go on a photo shoot for an unknown author's book cover. This author apparently is super famous but if that was the case, how come I never heard of her. The only thing that this date did was prove to Sean who is the clear go-getter aka slut of the group. And Kristy takes the prize!

After the photo shoot, it's bikini time by the pool. Kacie's hair begins to take the shape of a Chia Pet. The bitch seriously needs a good conditioner. After watching herself (and her hair) the prior season, didn't she get any hair advice! Good gravy. She then admits that she dreams of Sean. And Sean admits he dreams of a good conditioner for Kacie. As Kacie's hair is getting bigger and bigger, Sean's face is getting oilier and oilier. It's a match made in heaven. Sean can wipe his face and run it through Kacie's hair. The oil and vinegar couple!

Leslie and Sean have the most awkward conversation ever. I had to look away from the TV a couple times. After the no-kiss situation and 5 minutes of awkwardness, Leslie steals Sean from another girl to, once again, have another awkard conversation and then finally a peck on lips. At this point, all i thought of, was when we were in middle school and would take a girl around the block and in an alley way to make out. Then walk back to our friends and pretend nothing ever happened. Those were the days!

Catherine states: "I'm a Vegan but I love the beef!". Sean was too blonde to realize what exactly she meant by beef and thought that she likes altercations - as rappers would use the word beef. Every hipster Vegan turned their TV off after this comment. Ratings dipped every so slightly.

Katie - the other girl with the terrible hair - is miserable and wants nothing to do with the show or Sean. She tells Sean that this is not for her and leaves. In other words, Sean is ugly and was hoping it would be someone else. Nicely done.

The Other One On One Date - Desiree Hatescock.. i mean HeartsCock... i mean Heartsock.

The date starts with a magnificent plan to make Desiree think that she broke a very expensive vase at an arts show. It took me 5 seconds to describe this and the setup yet we were forced to watch 10 minutes of how it will be executed, the cast and crew of who was involved and a very nervous Sean talking to Chris about the prank. It was almost like we were watching an episode of Punk'd but a little longer! Sheesh. Overall, the prank sort of worked.. i think. Either Desiree HatesVases (get it) as she sorta smirked as everything went down OR she was in on the joke. We will never know and I could care less. I think that entire prank costs ABC 100k. Nice work.

After the prank and a strange dinner it's off to half naked swimming by the pool. Sean and Dez (as he called her) talked about love. It was a serious moment which made me scratch my head why the producers wouldn't shut off the loud and annoying pool filter system that they were sitting next to talking. Of course she gets a rose.

The Rose Ceremony

Shenanigans ensue with teh ladies as they start to team up on one another. Typical women. Token #2 or #3 (not sure at this point) pulls Sean aside to ask the obvious: Are you into "women of color" or are you just wasting my time. In which Sean replies that his ex girlfriend was black. He does this in a sort of strange "hood" accent as the music starts to cue. It was weird. Any-who, he did, in fact date a black women. Of course i googled it and found the following: