The Bachelor Final Rose - Beauty and the Ostrich

"Will you marry me?" is the ultimate sacrifice a man makes to prove to the one he loves that he is willing to spend the rest of his life with her (or him... its 2012).  And the woman's (or man..its 2012) response "YES" is the ultimate sacrifice a woman (or man..its 2012) makes to receive a lifetime of happiness with the one he/she loves.  This is reality.  However, in reality TV world, that "Will you marry me?" is watched over by 5 cameras, 3 set designers, 57 producers, 460 sponsors,  17 takes, 18 script rewrites, 400 minutes of memorizing the "will you marry me" script and of course a setting and scenery that is to die for.  Also, in reality TV world, that big fat YES is not a yes to marry the man of her dreams (or his dreams..its 2012). Instead, that YES is to receive that $80,000 ring that was, of course, sponsored and conveniently placed in the show prior to the proposal.  Gotta love reality TV!

The Bachelor - Women Tell All aka Women Bitch Alot

This weeks Bachelor was the "Tell All". The part of the show in which the ladies tell all that has happened on the show. They should basically change the name  to "Ladies Bitching" because basically that's all this was for 2 hours clearly proving that women do not get along.

Some highlights of the night..

The Bachelor - Swiss Miss anyone?

Imagine being on your 5th date with a girl (or i should say boy as i believe my audience is more women then men for my bachelor posts..but who knows).  Ok so imagine your on your 5th date with a man.  The man is great and sooo dreamy and you are starting to have some feelings for him.  So far your dates have consisted of scaling mountains, jumping out of helicopters, swimming with sharks, playing baseball against his other girlfriends and even the chance for him to meet your parents. I know. I am falling in love with this man too with that collection of dates! Sounds too good to be true. But now what.  You have gone on some dates that only Fear Factor contestants would go on and have only gotten to second base, unless of course your Courtney.  But now what.  Well, that's where the producers of the show make it sooo much easier for us men.  Instead of playing that silly game of trying to slowly move your hand up a women's shirt or down their pants, the producers have very slyly avoid all this with the "will-you-sleep-with-me" card.  But here is where it gets even better.  I don't give her the card.. no no.. But my friend gives her the card. We will call him Chris.  Chris gives my date the card. Then she opens it and reads the card to me because how would i know what it says..its from Chris.  Then she makes the decision if she will sleep with me or not.  GENIUS!  I am thinking that ABC should begin to patent this idea.  Think about it.  This bad ass card can stop world hunger and bring world peace.  The hard labor of trying to sleep with a women is a thing of the past.  You simply give them a card that contains a special key.  If they decide to accept the key then you got a golden ticket my friend.  I believe Apple is already working on this process and they are calling it iSex.  Patents are rumored to be in the works.

The Bachelor - Meet the Parents 17

There is a time in every man's life where they must meet their significant others parents. D-Day as us men call it. Ok no we dont.  But it is always a bit nerve racking to hope that the parents will like you.  Especially if you are on a reality show dating 18 other women.  That first impression of the DREAM HUSBAND title certainly fades very quick in the parents minds when they hear that they will be meeting their daughter's reality show boyfriend. Which brings us to  this week on the Bachelor..HomeTown Dates.

 This is when the lucky man or woman gets to take their reality boyfriend/girlfriend home to meet their parents.  The parents usually swoon about how much they love their son or daughter's reality boyfriend/girlfriend.  And their is usually always a mom who is gushing at the vag for the man that the daughter brings home and of course the dad who is too tough for school and needs to show America that he is no-nonsense guy.  Cricket.. cricket. In this weeks episode Ben got to meet the parents of Lindzy, Kacey, Nikki and Courtney. Lucky him.. sarcasm.

The Bachelor - Do you Belize in love???

I first would like to say Happy Valentines Day to all my peeps reading this.   I hope you all enjoy your Hallmark Day as i know my wife and i will.. and Ava too!!

Ok with that said let's begin..

Ben and his bitches were in Belize this week.  N word Be-lizzzee  as i say to my homies. This episode was not a fav of mine. In fact it was quite boring almost as boring as these girls.. except Courtny of course.  Its funny to me how the girls are all suddenly "falling for Ben" after going on like 3 dates with teh guy with 17 other women. God knows what the dates are really like with all the "reality" over produced drama that the producers add.  Regardless, i chuckle this time in the show when they have falling for the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Because at the end of the day these bitches arent trying to find true love as they solemnly swear. No, instead they are trying to win against one another. Last bitch standing. Who doesnt want that prize!!

The Bachelor - Blonds, CTDs and Panama

This last episode of the Bachelor had it all.  A dumb blond confused on love, a building shaped as a vagina, characters from Ace Ventura 2, Ben wearing a loin cloth, Blakley getting the boot and Courtney doing a great job of being Courtney.

First lets get right to the obvious.. well at least for me (male brain).  The fucking hotel looked identical to a vagina..no???

What the??  If anyone is looking for where the girls are staying just look for the giant vagina!!

The Bachelor - baseBALLS and Skinny Dipping

Take me to your leader

My apologies to my thousands of readers but i was out of the country in Germany for a few weeks where there was certainly no Bachelor to watch. In fact there wasnt anything in English to watch.  Well.. 2.5 men was on but it was in German. It was actually funny.

Ok but lets get right to it. I missed a couple episodes and watched them over the weekend with my lovely sidekick bad ass Rosie.  I am home from work today hungover after watching the Giants beat the Pats in the Superbowl. You can read all about it here   But now we have some fun to get to.

The Bachelor - The return of the dead...

Ah beautiful San Francisco. There is where the show had the pleasure to visit during this episode.  My wife and i went there a year or so ago and i must say one of the best cities in the US.. well the few that i have seen. But what we didnt do apparently was scale a bridge, ski down one of the HUGE hills they call streets, and have a girl that i spoke to once in my life fly all the way out to visit me to try and sabotage my relationship with my wife.  Boooo us... perhaps if we watched this episode first we would had a much better vacation.

Again.. no recap bullshit.. Aint my style with this show. Instead let's pick out some funny moments and disect and attempt to be as funny as possible.  I am rushing this because i am about to eat some Goolash at a friends in Germany.. thats just how i roll!  (EDIT - i sooo didnt finish in time)

The Bachelor - Blakely has very very nice boots

So does Blakely

Wow.. Ok so last nights episode of the Bachelor had Ben go on 2 1 on 1 dates and a group date.. blah blah blah.  I think the real discussion about last nights epsiode should be about Blakely and that stripper outfit she decided to wear in front of 12 year old playwrights.  Granted, i know, she didnt know that she would be standing in her underwear in front of 12 year olds.. but i am certainly not complaining either.  It was this outfit that got her the impression rose on the group date. Well done outfit.

Having gotten that out of the way what did we learn last night..

Kasey B Date
Ben's first date was with Kasey in his hometown of Sonoma....awwwwww as every woman watching this said i am sure.. I said YUCK.

Couple things on this date:

Kasey starts an awkward conversation by stating very very nervously "when i was little.. i used to". NOw what secret can she hold that makes her soooo nervous to tell Ben. Lets have some fun with this..

The Bachelor - greatest show on tv? A male perspectvie and critique of newest season.

There comes a time in every man's life where they will admit a gut-wrenching, tiny bit of information that if revealed can do more harm than good.  Yes people.. i watch the Bachelor.  And i am also going to say that i think it is one of the greatest shows on TV.  Not for the love.. no no.  But for the pure entertainment of watching women being women.  All for the sake of getting the love and attention of one man is 2 words.. Gen-ius.  Many men will shake their heads in disagreement but i am telling you the science project is over.. Woman CANNOT get along with each other especially if a man is involved.  Put a camera in front of them and its over Johnny.  You have TV gold!