American Idol season 11 - Top 12 men w/ 1 bad surprise

American Idol.  A show devoted to young talent trying to get a job and make it in the real world.  What was once an inspiring show is now becoming irrelevant as the talent who wins the crown is getting trumped by the talent who didnt win the show.  They should change the name to American Popularity Contest as the most popular or best looking or best story is the person who wins.

My wife and i have been watching this since season 2.. ok she watched season 1 and i made fun of it saying i would never ever watch this gay* show (*not gay as in homosexual).  Season 2 came along and i was hooked.  We have our own little "contest" in which we pick our top 12 finalists and choose them in teh order they will be voted off.  Winner has to do..well we keep that part private.  This year the rules will be changing a bit.  I will be writing up the new rules this year as well as a new point system. Yes.. we take this serious.  So be on the lookout later for the "official American Idol" contest rules blog a bit later today.

The Bachelor - Swiss Miss anyone?

Imagine being on your 5th date with a girl (or i should say boy as i believe my audience is more women then men for my bachelor posts..but who knows).  Ok so imagine your on your 5th date with a man.  The man is great and sooo dreamy and you are starting to have some feelings for him.  So far your dates have consisted of scaling mountains, jumping out of helicopters, swimming with sharks, playing baseball against his other girlfriends and even the chance for him to meet your parents. I know. I am falling in love with this man too with that collection of dates! Sounds too good to be true. But now what.  You have gone on some dates that only Fear Factor contestants would go on and have only gotten to second base, unless of course your Courtney.  But now what.  Well, that's where the producers of the show make it sooo much easier for us men.  Instead of playing that silly game of trying to slowly move your hand up a women's shirt or down their pants, the producers have very slyly avoid all this with the "will-you-sleep-with-me" card.  But here is where it gets even better.  I don't give her the card.. no no.. But my friend gives her the card. We will call him Chris.  Chris gives my date the card. Then she opens it and reads the card to me because how would i know what it says..its from Chris.  Then she makes the decision if she will sleep with me or not.  GENIUS!  I am thinking that ABC should begin to patent this idea.  Think about it.  This bad ass card can stop world hunger and bring world peace.  The hard labor of trying to sleep with a women is a thing of the past.  You simply give them a card that contains a special key.  If they decide to accept the key then you got a golden ticket my friend.  I believe Apple is already working on this process and they are calling it iSex.  Patents are rumored to be in the works.

2012 Oscars aka Napolean "Oscar" Bonaparte Invasion

Ahh.. the Oscars. A time for celebrating Hollywood's biggest and best moments of the past year.  A time where families gather near and close to watch the spectacular talent taking stage to accept and receive the greatest trophy.. the Oscar.  OK who i am kidding. Everyone watching the show including myself is looking for OMG moments and slip ups and embarrassing speeches and celebrities making fools of themselves.

First i would just like to say that, although i am not a fan by any means, i thought that Billy Crystal KILLED it last night.  His jokes were freaking funny. I was LRH (laughing real hard..come on people) a few times.  It was nice to hear him be unPC and make fun of different religions, races and even his rich coworkers.

There were definitely many OMG moments last night. Here is a few:

Survivor 1 World - A dumb blonde, a Brigitte Nielsen and an annoying gay guy.

Survivor 1 world.  This is my very first Survivor blog. I am hoping that i make you laugh a bit as well as I gather up some exciting, memorable moments done in my own special way. For my other blogs see dannybart.blogspot.com.  


Ok done with the plugging.. lets begin.  This season on Survivor we have the age old battle of men vs women.  However, this time both tribes will be sleeping together at 1 camp. So just a heads up parents.. put the kids to bed because shit is gonna go down.. it better!

The Bachelor - Meet the Parents 17

There is a time in every man's life where they must meet their significant others parents. D-Day as us men call it. Ok no we dont.  But it is always a bit nerve racking to hope that the parents will like you.  Especially if you are on a reality show dating 18 other women.  That first impression of the DREAM HUSBAND title certainly fades very quick in the parents minds when they hear that they will be meeting their daughter's reality show boyfriend. Which brings us to  this week on the Bachelor..HomeTown Dates.

 This is when the lucky man or woman gets to take their reality boyfriend/girlfriend home to meet their parents.  The parents usually swoon about how much they love their son or daughter's reality boyfriend/girlfriend.  And their is usually always a mom who is gushing at the vag for the man that the daughter brings home and of course the dad who is too tough for school and needs to show America that he is no-nonsense guy.  Cricket.. cricket. In this weeks episode Ben got to meet the parents of Lindzy, Kacey, Nikki and Courtney. Lucky him.. sarcasm.

The Bachelor - Do you Belize in love???

I first would like to say Happy Valentines Day to all my peeps reading this.   I hope you all enjoy your Hallmark Day as i know my wife and i will.. and Ava too!!

Ok with that said let's begin..

Ben and his bitches were in Belize this week.  N word Be-lizzzee  as i say to my homies. This episode was not a fav of mine. In fact it was quite boring almost as boring as these girls.. except Courtny of course.  Its funny to me how the girls are all suddenly "falling for Ben" after going on like 3 dates with teh guy with 17 other women. God knows what the dates are really like with all the "reality" over produced drama that the producers add.  Regardless, i chuckle this time in the show when they have falling for the Bachelor/Bachelorette.  Because at the end of the day these bitches arent trying to find true love as they solemnly swear. No, instead they are trying to win against one another. Last bitch standing. Who doesnt want that prize!!

The Bachelor - Blonds, CTDs and Panama

This last episode of the Bachelor had it all.  A dumb blond confused on love, a building shaped as a vagina, characters from Ace Ventura 2, Ben wearing a loin cloth, Blakley getting the boot and Courtney doing a great job of being Courtney.

First lets get right to the obvious.. well at least for me (male brain).  The fucking hotel looked identical to a vagina..no???

What the??  If anyone is looking for where the girls are staying just look for the giant vagina!!

The Bachelor - baseBALLS and Skinny Dipping

Take me to your leader

My apologies to my thousands of readers but i was out of the country in Germany for a few weeks where there was certainly no Bachelor to watch. In fact there wasnt anything in English to watch.  Well.. 2.5 men was on but it was in German. It was actually funny.

Ok but lets get right to it. I missed a couple episodes and watched them over the weekend with my lovely sidekick bad ass Rosie.  I am home from work today hungover after watching the Giants beat the Pats in the Superbowl. You can read all about it here   But now we have some fun to get to.

The Bachelor - The return of the dead...

Ah beautiful San Francisco. There is where the show had the pleasure to visit during this episode.  My wife and i went there a year or so ago and i must say one of the best cities in the US.. well the few that i have seen. But what we didnt do apparently was scale a bridge, ski down one of the HUGE hills they call streets, and have a girl that i spoke to once in my life fly all the way out to visit me to try and sabotage my relationship with my wife.  Boooo us... perhaps if we watched this episode first we would had a much better vacation.

Again.. no recap bullshit.. Aint my style with this show. Instead let's pick out some funny moments and disect and attempt to be as funny as possible.  I am rushing this because i am about to eat some Goolash at a friends in Germany.. thats just how i roll!  (EDIT - i sooo didnt finish in time)

The Bachelor - Blakely has very very nice boots

So does Blakely

Wow.. Ok so last nights episode of the Bachelor had Ben go on 2 1 on 1 dates and a group date.. blah blah blah.  I think the real discussion about last nights epsiode should be about Blakely and that stripper outfit she decided to wear in front of 12 year old playwrights.  Granted, i know, she didnt know that she would be standing in her underwear in front of 12 year olds.. but i am certainly not complaining either.  It was this outfit that got her the impression rose on the group date. Well done outfit.

Having gotten that out of the way what did we learn last night..

Kasey B Date
Ben's first date was with Kasey in his hometown of Sonoma....awwwwww as every woman watching this said i am sure.. I said YUCK.

Couple things on this date:

Kasey starts an awkward conversation by stating very very nervously "when i was little.. i used to". NOw what secret can she hold that makes her soooo nervous to tell Ben. Lets have some fun with this..

The Bachelor - greatest show on tv? A male perspectvie and critique of newest season.

There comes a time in every man's life where they will admit a gut-wrenching, tiny bit of information that if revealed can do more harm than good.  Yes people.. i watch the Bachelor.  And i am also going to say that i think it is one of the greatest shows on TV.  Not for the love.. no no.  But for the pure entertainment of watching women being women.  All for the sake of getting the love and attention of one man is 2 words.. Gen-ius.  Many men will shake their heads in disagreement but i am telling you the science project is over.. Woman CANNOT get along with each other especially if a man is involved.  Put a camera in front of them and its over Johnny.  You have TV gold!

American Horror Story Finale 1.12 - Afterbirth = What the shit?!

The American Horror Story finale was beyond bizarre and wasn't at all what i expected. It started with Ben trying to kill himself to be relieved by his dead wife and daughter.  Only to be hung, suicide style, by Hayden and her ghost thugs.  It was certainly a quick out for Ben but maybe too quick?  He was the star of the show.  He is then reunited with his family forever in the Muder House.. Somebody better knock this house down already.

American Horror Story 1.11 - Birth

Who is more fit to raise a kid.. the ghosts or these bitches

Are ghosts fit to raise babies?  This was the granddaddy (pun intended) question on this weeks American Horror Story. In one of the most bizarre episodes yet i am not even sure where to begin.  This episode was filled with fighting ghosts, ghost teenage breakups, monster ghosts trying to kill and of course an extremely bloody birth of the "devil" baby.  In what should have been the biggest reveal/moment when Vivien dies its actually what proceeds during the interaction between mother and daughter that its most fitting.  Im not sure if it was the simplicity of the scene after just witnessing crazy ghosts performing child birth or the what-should-be moment that Viv and Violet never had but it was beautiful. Viv's death was coming.. i called this weeks ago.  But of course i didnt even have an inkling that Violet was dead.. im embarssed by that one. The simple transfer of words "I'm sorry you lost your baby" with the motherly reply "I didnt lose my baby" shows that the show as whacky as it is still has phenomenal touching moments like these.

Where to begin.. shit i dont even know..

American Horror Story Ep 1.10 - Smoldering Children (MAJOR spoilers)

VIOLET IS DEAD!!!  SHE IS A GHOST!!!!!!

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Tate is dead and so are you!

American Horror Story 1.08 and 1.09 - Spooky Little Girl

Now if Patrick had been murdered in the Murder House then this could have happened!!

This weeks American Horror Story may have been one of the best yet. It had spooks and scares and laughs and even ghost orgies!  Doesnt get any better than ghost orgies.

This episode was sorta all over the place with the timelines so let's just start from the beginning....

An American Horror Story 1.6 - Piggy Piggy

 Daddy i sleep with dead people.

So i am a little late on this for whoever is reading this. I was on vacation from the tv for a few days indulging in Key West sun rays and food.  mmmmm..  This post is maybe irrelevant as i am already an episode behind but oh well..

American Horror Story 1.05 - Halloween part 2

So what'd do last night.. oh ya know the usual.. you?

They weren't joking when they said in the prior episode that the dead are free to roam around on Halloween. The ghosts of the Murder House had their mini vacation and need to get back to doing what they do best... scaring the shit out of the people who live in this house and us folks at home watching.


This weeks episode leaves off just as the last one (part 1) left off.  We see ol 2 face knocking at the door asking for his money but instead of 2 dollars this time its 1000 bucks.  Apparently $1000 will do lots for this gentleman.  Violet is alone in the house because her no good parents left her there so she can attend to the door for trick-or-treaters.  righht... So as Larry is knocking and screaming things that shouldnt be said on cable TV her phone rings.  Its Tate ... Here he comes to save the day (singing in Mighty Mouse voice).... He wants to go on a date or something and just like that she leaves the house.  No note.  No phone call to the parents.  No nothing.  The Harmons come home to their house alarm blazing and not a soul in the house.. of course i was joking.  There are like 1000s of souls in this house.  The door knocks and you would guess it is Mr security man but no instead it is Hayden.  Apparently she got the memo that she is allowed to come out and play also on Halloween.  Viv calls Violet and instead of yelling at her for just leaving the house she asks if she is having fun with her friends trying to win Mom-of-the-year. A little too late for that. Violet has gone dead boy and is not going back.

American Horror Story 1.04 - Halloween Pt1

Trick or Treat. Smell my feet.  Give me something good to eat.  In the case of American Horror Story the "something good to eat" is a either a vomit-inducing cupcake or a punch in the face by ol Rubber Man.  The first part of the Halloween episode gave us some better plot direction and more over-the-top scares.  Halloween is a time when the ghosts can roam free and this episode certainly didn't shy away from this at all. 


The ep starts with the previous gay tenants of the house, Patrick and Chad.  Chad is played by Zachary Quinto who is from the phenomenal series Heroes (if and only if you watched the first season.. the rest of the seasons were TERRIBLE) and of course Spock from the new Star Trek reboot.  Recently Zachary came out and admitted he was gay.  And in this episode he is either playing himself or doing a great job playing the bitchy boyfriend who suspects his boyfriend is cheating on him.  The couple get into an argument like a normal married couple would.. ya know the husband having an affair with his ripped up Twink trainer and within a few minutes we are revisited by Rubber Man.  Apparently Rubber Man hates gay people because he gave Chad a serious beat down.  Im surprised that GLAAD wasnt called on this one!  Im starting to think that this gimp would kick the living shit out of THE gimp from Pulp Fiction.

An American Horror Story Season 1 - eps 1 -4

 American Horror Story - My take so far from the first 4 episodes

Wow.. where to begin!  Ghosts.  Nightmares.  Creepy dead kids.  Dead things in mason jars.  Scary haunted house. Oh my!  And this only from the pilot.  An American Horror Story is engaging, creepy, scary, sexy and dam entertaining.  I must admit the pilot did creep me out ALOT.  I was afraid of waking up to a man in a rubber suit above my head.  Or a sweet little girl with down syndrome in a yellow dress saying "You're going to die in here.".  All i can say is that after the first episode i really really liked it.

Looks like something from the Matrix