Again.. no recap bullshit.. Aint my style with this show. Instead let's pick out some funny moments and disect and attempt to be as funny as possible. I am rushing this because i am about to eat some Goolash at a friends in Germany.. thats just how i roll! (EDIT - i sooo didnt finish in time)
Ben's recap with his sister
We found out that Ben's mom rode a horse when she was younger.. uhh.. huh huh.. uh huh huh.. Horse? How old is Jacklyn by the way!!??
Bens sister has very deep eye orbits. I love how they try to make it as if the conversation wasnt pre-scripted. The sister is sooo trying to force these questions on her brother that she definetely would have known answers to. Like "How did you feel when Ashley (is that her name) said no?" All you had to do was pick up a magazine and know the answer to this .. stupid sister and dumb show!
Single Date - Emily
The first question i ask is who is this girl? I swear i dont remember her at all. But right off the bat she looks like that annoying playboy reality show slut Kendra.
A few things..
Emily runs worst than my wife. I thought this was impossible.
The date consisted of them Climing the bay bridge together. i dont mean like walking across the bridge.. No instead they have to climb up it.. scale the freaking thing!? If i was Emily i would have said.. "seriously.. the Bay Bridge... WTF! How about the golden gate bridge you cheap bastard!"
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| Seriously Ben.. The Bay Bridge??? |
During the climb, Ben calls Emily "Goose" referring to the homosexual induced movie Top Gun. I had to look away at the TV at this moment.
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| Ben wishes this was really happening |
Ben is whining about Emilys afraid of heights kicking in after climbing to teh top of a bridge.. christ ben what do you expect! I love heights but i think i would certainly hesistate a bit. However, Emily played the-holy-shit-i-am-scared-of-heights-and-cant-go-any-farther role for a kiss.. genius. Well played Emily!
After their "date" the 2 have dinner in which Emily opens up to Ben about her slutty online dating experiences and how her brother saw pictures of her or something. So we can assume that her brother saw her naked pics that she posted of herself .. weirdarama Well guess what folks i was able to gather some of those pics that were posted online:
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| Emily's arrest during a Jersey Shore taping |
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| Emily during her "party" days |
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| Emily during her Fuck-men stage |
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| Emily before the Bachelor |
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| Emily pre-boob operation |
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| Emily during her bodybuilding days. She's done it all |
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| The picture that got her on the Bachelor |
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| Emily went to a very very boring college. |
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| Ahh.. another drunk night |
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| Emily's high school picture |
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| Emily during her "godess" phase |
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| Emily's tattoo on her arm |
With these pictures i dont blame Ben for keeping her. Bitch been around the block and back again.
Group date
For some reason or other Blakely decided to wear clothing during the date. Bad move Blakely! But then again nobody wore clothes during the ski session down a man-made snow covered hill. I was a little jealous..not for being a part of the action with the girls.. but that when we went to San Francisco we didn't get to ski down Lombard Street.
Britney decides to leave because Ben gave her a one on one date. I think Britney is polish.. because Ben gives her a one on one date opportunity and without going on it decides to go home. I am not sure why she left or what the hell happened but Britney i think shaved her head after the show and got a tattoo on her wrist like the real Britney. She then decides to crash the party to tell Ben that she wants to leave because she received a one on one card date and she thinks someone else should get this. Britney breaks up with Ben before even going out with him. Its like the scene in swingers when Mikey breaks up with Nikki. I think for serious she realized that Ben is NOT the person she thought would be on the show and bailed. I wouldnt be surprised if the producers pull another secret ingredient and add her Grandmother to the house later on. Thank god Britney left because her polish ass would not have gotten a rose and she would have thought that meant she was staying.. dumb ass
During this group date we got the privilege to see another crazy moment in Bachelor history. In comes the return of the Queen Mortician Chantelle or however you spell her name.. we will just call her Morticia.. sounds nicer. This certainly made the girls CRAZY. I am wondering a few things on this show. Is it like the food network show Sweet Genius where somewhere in the episode a secret ingredient has to be introduced. Thats how i feel with this show. There is always something crazy happening. I am sure the producers have a lot to do with this. Regardless it works!
a few things..
Honda payed alot of money to show off their cars. Christ alimghty we get it. I would hvae loved to see one of the girls crash while trying to use the picture thing while they were driving. That would have been AWESOME!
It was strange to see a horse aka Jacklyn riding in a car. It defies all rules. Perhaps Ben wanted to add extra "horse" power to the car? ..... im here all day folks..
After the whoring of their cars.. i am really surprised Honda didnt put decals all over the girls bodies whyile they were skiing.
Lindzi is all mouth and no lips. She can fit like 2 hands in her mouth.. or other things but i was being PG.
Britney is UGLY without makeup.. good lord.. i think her grandma ma may be prettier
Ben takes Kasey B for a 7 mile walk..and she is wasted.. and they have the same conversation over and over again
I think Ben would have had a better chance with Britneys grandmother. She was reallllly horny. I just vomited a little in my mouth
Rose says 'Ummm.. apparently the water pressure doesnt agree with Ben"
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| Poor Ben |
Second choice date - Lindzy
a few things..
Perhaps i am getting old or just listen to too much gangter rap but i had no idea who that band was but it was terrible
Ben asks her why she is single.. basically asking if she is crazy. Here's a list of what i think she should have said:
- I like to hang from hooks while masterbating
- I enjoy wearing my boyfriends used underwear after he had a long day of work around my face. Most men find this weird.
- I peed standing up until the age of 19 when i decided to have the operation.
- I cut off my ex boyfriends penis and threw it out the car window many years ago.
- And the number 1 answer was from my sweet innocent wife Rosie.. "she goes.. umm... im a squirter..most people dont handle that really well"
I think Ben was playing one of those pianos that play themselves
Before the Rose Ceremony
a few things..
the red head girl tells ben that she really likes him and that she is there for all the good reasons.. she then proceeds to tell ben that he is dreamy.. It got weird.. then Ben tells her she is the best kisser.. and then they kiss and it looks like the Virgin Diaries.. blog to come
and the moment we have all been waiting for..
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| Herrres's Chantelle |
Chantelle aka Morticia makes a surprise visit. But why is she here.. how does she know him? where did they meet? What the hell is going on??? Apparently she is there to see if Ben has feelings for her. umm.. couldn't she had done this prior to the show. Would have been much easier and less humiliating. Ben enjoys the 2 times they spoke for a total of 5 minutes.. is Morticia related to Jenna???
All the girls insist that Morticia doesnt know Ben ... but neither do they
Ok maybe if Pam Anderson circa 1994 walked in the door i can see the girls crying but seriously Chantelle is mediocre at best
And now the second moment we have all been waiting for... Will he give a rose to Morticia... drum roll...
Rose Ceremony
Courtney - umm wasnt she NOT supposed to accept it as she said she wouldnt
Casey B
Elyse
Jamie
Jennifer
Kasey S
Blakely
Monica
Nikki
Samantha
HHAHHAHAHA.. ERIKA PASSES OUT!!! Ben is a universal player!!!! THE DRAMA.. LOVE THIS SHOW..
they made it like Erika went into cardiac arrest
Erika is a lawyer and if she dont get it she is going to sue Morticia's ass!!
well played Erika.. now horse face needs to pass out so maybe she has a good chance of geting the rose
NOBODY GETS IT.. I LOVE THIS GUY!!!!
The Mortician feels like a doody head
erika passes out again.. seriously.. it didnt work the first time.. its not gonna work the second time
horseface is giddy upping in the other room..
ok.. my ass got work to do in Germany son!! peace
