This is when the lucky man or woman gets to take their reality boyfriend/girlfriend home to meet their parents. The parents usually swoon about how much they love their son or daughter's reality boyfriend/girlfriend. And their is usually always a mom who is gushing at the vag for the man that the daughter brings home and of course the dad who is too tough for school and needs to show America that he is no-nonsense guy. Cricket.. cricket. In this weeks episode Ben got to meet the parents of Lindzy, Kacey, Nikki and Courtney. Lucky him.. sarcasm.
First up is Lindzy. Ben got to go to her hometown in Ocala Florida to meet her uppety snobby horse loving parents. Right off the bat when Ben approaches Lindzy we see the horses in teh background run away. This is not a good sign with Lindzy and her family. A family horse can totally sense if a reality boyfriend is the one.
We find out that Ben is only the second guy she has brought home to her parents. At first i laughed at this until i met her parents. Good Gravy.. i would never take a girl home to meet these snobby assholes! I did some digging, however, and found some of Lindzy's ex boyfriends. Totally makes sense now why she didnt bring these men home to meet her folks.
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| Chris Breezy certainly didnt fit her racist parents image ..plus he beats women.. not good |
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| Just before Sheen was winning he had a quick fling with Lindzy. Went as quick as those horses |
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| Michael Vick loves horses too.. im just saying |
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| Platypus man was just a phase that she went through in college. Dam 90s |
If her parents good pick the right man it would totally most definetely be him:
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| Totally the ideal man for Lindzy. He has it all. Big muscles. Great hair. Pointy long ears and a great torso! |
Another moment on the Bachelor that once again has raised eyebrows. This is when Lindzy decides to abuse her horse by whipping it so it moves 2mph faster. I believe that the Humane Society was called in and as of now we dont know if there will be another season. First littering, then skinny dipping infecting the ocean waters and the fish with Courtney and now this. Shame on you producers!
Lindzy and Ben decide to have a picnic with the horses butt 7 feet away. Lindzy just loves the smell of horse manure and thought it would be a great way to share the experience with Ben. You know that horse must have shit 7 times while they were eating.
Just before the horse shits, Ben and Lindzy share a kiss. I vomited a little as Ben totally licked his lips like 3 times as he was going in for the kiss.. gewwwww..
After the picnic come the parents.. who are drinking wine.. and dont stop drinking wine until i think just now. Good god can that family drink. They had to go through 7 bottles. There is an uncomfortable exchange of hellos and kisses with the parents as Ben is like hanging on the horse with 1 leg trying to get off. Shit parents.. let him get off already. The parents go on about how they got married at City Hall in i believe San Francisco which makes me think that apparently Lindzi doesnt know where her parents got married because she was totally shocked by this. These are her parents right and not some rented parents from like a bad HBO afternoon movie?
The dad is an uptight nerdy rich looking man. The mom got hit with the ugly stick HARD. Listen to your penis Ben.. just look at the mom and know that in 30 years Lindzi will look somewhat like this! I am pretty sure that the Dad used to touch Lyndzy because he is all up in her shit and her business. The parents go on about how they sheltered their daughter and kept her in a basement locked to the wall and floor. Occasionally they would let her out when Daddy brought home a horse playmate that she can "fool" around with.
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| Lindzi with her dad when she was a little girl. |
This family must have had the worst wine breathe ever! With the horse shit aroma in the air combined with the terrible wine breathe, i wouldnt be surprised that a storm above them was able to brew. Ben says that "When you get married you inherit a couple parents". What he totally meant to say was "when you get married you inherit the parents fortune". I mean seriously who drinks wine out of mason jars. I am surprised Ben didnt send her home just for that. I mean really.. he is a winemaker for christs sakes. If Ben was visiting my little girl - which he wouldnt because i would never let my daughter go on a dating reality show; I would totally disown her - but theoretically speaking if little Ava Bart was to bring home Ben the winemaker i would totally have a whole array of fine beers.. fuck wine i say!
Next up is Kasey B and her hometown Clarksville TN. I totally realized that i have been spelling Kaseys name wrong the entire blog run.. Oh well. Anyways, Kasey tries to impress Ben with a marching band. It was a total miss (pun intended). I mean seriously if you are going to try to impress the man of your reality dreams at least call the Glee cast in and do a reenactment of Drumline or something. For the record, i do NOT watch Glee nor have i ever seen Drumline.
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| Ohhhhhhh Kacey! |
Kacey tells Ben that her grandaddy ran shit back in the day and was a legacy in town. Just like how i won best looking in middle school. The town was totally going to name a field after me but my parents were against it. Booo..
I think Ben's hair is more attracted to Kacey and her hair because it seems to get all big and try to reach out for hers when he is with her.
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| Ben's hair reaching out to Kaceys |
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| Kaseys hair reaching for Ben |
We immedialely learn that Kacey's father is a federal probation officer and doesnt drink. Ben already has 2 strikes against him. Strike 1 is that he makes wine and obviously drinks like a fool and strike 2 is that he is trying to bang his daughter.. oh and strike 3 is that he is terribly ugly! This may have been one of the worst hometown dates i have ever seen.. I think even worse than Vienna's white trash parents when the father was basically trying to sell his daughter to Jake. Weridarama.
One thing is apparent however, is that Kaseys sister obviously got the frizz free genes. Her beautiful long silky hair is giving Kace's hair the middle hair finger.
During dinner the interrogation begins. Ben's dad immediately starts to treat Ben like a prisoner who just got out of jail and promises to never drink wine and drive again.
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| Kacies dad practicing his interogation techniques!! (First and foremost i would like to apologize for the terrible photo edits but i am stuck using Paint and it is terrible as you can see. ) |
The parents go on and about for what seemed like 45 minutes of the wishes they have for their daughter which includes the following:
- never ever date a winemaker
- never date someone with long frizzy hair
- never EVER date a man that has signs of a CTD (Courtney transmitted disease)
- never date a man who likes to dress like a Columbian drug lord
- never date a man on a reality dating show
- never date a man who has 18 other girlfriends
- never date a man who got denied a proposal
- never date a man named Ben
Next up Nikki gets her chance in Hurst Texas. Just like Lindzy, Nikki has only brought one man home and married him. Is this foreshadowing?? This date consisted of the 2 of them going to a bad ass boot shop. Ben gets a pair of boots and a cowboy hat. Its another where-were-you-moment and it gave me douche chills all over my body.
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We meet Nikki's parents. The mom totally wants to bang ben. I mean seriously its obvious. This family is too nice to make fun of. I really got nothing on them. Except that the brother has a major crush on Ben as well and was totally playing footsie with him under the table.
And finally we get to Courtney and her hometown in Scottsdale AZ. Of course Courtney is playing with her hair while la-la-la talking about herself waiting for Ben. As they walk together the producers had to edit footage of every man on the street saying hello to Courtney because of course she prefers "guy friends" .
We finally meet Courtney's parents. Somebody should have told Courtnys dad that it is illegal to wear argyle vests on Sundays. Just prior Courtney tells Ben that she hasn't brought a guy home in a long time..well maybe not to her parents house but certainly at her own house. It is evident that the model genes run in the family as the sister is a plus size model. Its perfectly clear where Courtney gets her whoreness from. Her mom is a cougar and is totally all over Ben. I think just prior to dinner Ben gave it to her in the smush room in the basement.
Ben and the father have a nice fatherly talk where of course he gives his blessing after meeting this man for 5 minutes to marry his whore daughter. Here is some of the topics they discussed that were not shown:
- The proceeds from the show and how it will benefit his family
- Potential cure for CTDs under development. Hopefully a cure in the near future
- The love he has for cactus. I mean just look at the table for christs sakes
- How he always wanted a son so he treated Courtney like a man.. hence all her guy friends.
- Continued conversation about her guy friends and how Courtney has never been in a relationship and is a virgin.. soo naive
- Ben telling the father about their rendevouz in the ocean. No wait that was the sister
One of the most awkward things i have ever seen on the show is when the sister announces to the parents that Ben and Courtney have skinny dipped together in the ocean in wherever the hell they were. There was a brief pause and then some laughter. I think the father raised his glass and did another toast. In another awkward moment the mom talked about how she skinny dipped with the father when they were younger. Ahhh family love. Once the cameras went off the entire family did it on the cactus table as a real family should!
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| This is completely the Bizarro World family of Courtney! |
Somehow the family date was shorter than the others so i aint got much else. I am kind of embarrassed by this but i think the show totally made up for it on their date to follow...
Ben and Courtney go for a nice picnic.. again. The Bachelor producers don't just like picnics.. THEY LOVE EM. Courtney tells Ben that she has never been with a guy who hasn't loved her. This is primarily because every guy she was with is too busy in between her legs. Courtney tells a story about how when she was 17 she did her first picture shoot. I was totally thinking porno shoot but then again what do i know.
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| Ben was soooo getting a handy under the table in front of the parents |
Once again Courtney winds up taking home the trophy for Girl Who Clearly Wants to Win This Game by staging a fake wedding with a pastor and all.. At least i think he was. There were chairs. A gazebo. Some dude with a bible.. or maybe just a book.. i dont know. There were rings. There were vows and an L word reference (thats love people). There was me and my wife going WTF!!? Ben's CTD was kicking in big time as i really think he thought he was really getting married. This bitch is soooooooooo getting picked btw. As she should. This go-getter has done nothing but thrown herself at him. While the other girls were bitching about each other she was sneaking out and trying to suck his pp in the ocean. While some unknown girl was confessing about how she once had a boyfriend in the 3rd grade who cheated on her with glue, she was in the background doing a strip tease for him. And while dressing up like Belize tribe members all the girls went full garb. But no not Courtney. She went all out, tits and all. So it is only fair to say that she completely rocked this game and it was the best move yet by pretty much marrying the poor wine shlub on national tv. Well well played!
The 2 of them wrote vows to each other. Unfortunately the producers had to edit what they said. But of course my team found the real footage of what these vows really said:
Courtney:
To my winemaker,
I like soooo want you to know that i like really care like soooo much about you and like you know i would like to do anything for you.. and you know what i mean by anything. Remember the ocean? The pool the next night? The sneak away during the rose ceremony? The quicky we did with Blakley while you were on your 2 on one with her? The BJ i was giving you when whats-her-face left the show and knocked on your door? The 5 times we did it before we met my parents? The 3some with my sister in my parents bedroom while they watched? The BJ i gave you 2 minutes ago?? You see? You know i am the one for you and not some fake bitch like the rest of these girls. I LOVE to win.. i mean no I LOVE YOU!!!
Love C word
and now Ben's
My Courtney,
My head is swirling with undesirable thoughts of what i want to do to you. My knees shake constantly after i kissed you for the first time. I feel nauseous when im away from you for too long. My little daddy, as you nicknamed him, doesnt budge for anybody but you. I need you. I want you. I love you.
Ben
Its a shame that Ben named all the symptoms of a CTD and didnt even realize it. Poor guy. Oh and BTW the whole reason why C word.. i like that.. haah.. wanted to write vows is because she totally wanted to hear Ben confess his love to her and say wonderful things about her.
Rose Ceremony
Kacey totally gets the boot. You can blame her close minded family for that. All they freaking cared about
was her well doing. Stupid parents. Grow up!! However there are rumors that Kacey will appear on Dancing with the Stars. Is this a reality deal that Courtney missed up! Uh Oh..
I will say this about Ben, he is the true pimp daddy when it comes to sending girls home or breaking up with them or whatever you want to call it when he doesnt give someone a rose. He just walks them to the car while they are crying hysterically and gives no explanation at all for his actions. That rox!!
up next... Switzerland and who will Ben sleep with!!
