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| I am BARTACUS!!! |
I just finished the 1st season of Spartacus and i must say it lives up to the hype. I was going to blog after every episode but I had the urge to continue watching more and more. Consider this a Season 1 blog and my experience with the show so far.
With so many twists and turns this season, the most simple way to sum it up is this:
Some dude gets captured. He fights and kills 4 gladiators. He is made a slave and bought by Batiatus who names him Spartacus. Spartacus becomes a legend in the arena and makes Batiatus lots of money. Batiatus gets greedy causing him to kill many people in return, including Spartacus's wife. Eventually Spartacus finds out and shit goes down. Spartacus kills Batiatus and escapes with the rest of the Brat Pack.
Spartacus..what mighty pecs you have
Spartacus is a complete bad ass. From his piercing blue eyes, to his god-like body, Spartacus is totally boss. Not only is this guy complete bad ass but he is a tough mother fucker. The dude can have his back gashed and face split in but yet doesnt seem to notice the pain. He is like a machine.. that is until you try to cut his hair. The second episode shows Batiatus's men cut Spartacus's hair and he cries like he just watched the ending of Titanic. Another observation is the fact that his hair is always so nicely groomed. One can assume that the higher ups at Batatius camp groom the Gladiator god weekly. Who knows. It is sooo sad to know that this is the last time i will see the orignal Spartacus kick ass on tv. RIP Andy Whitfield. You did a fantastic job!!
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| Can you imagine the smell in this room?? |
Batiatus stands for "totally conniving lovable guy" in Old English
Batatius went from being a nerdy annoying character to becoming a completely almighty powerful god of Capua. The more Spartacus won, the richer Batatius became, eventually becoming magistrate, well for 2 minutes at least. I was actually a little sad when Spartacus tears him a new asshole at the end. I was really really liking this guy. Dont Fuck with Batatius as clearly proven when he threatens and blackmails Glaber forcing him to accept Batatiatus' offer to become a nomination for magistrate. Who doesn't like a guy who doesnt have to pull down his pants to take a piss because beautiful slaves do it for him or has a permanent fluffer before he is about to have sex with his wife or who speaks of Jupiter's cock at least once an episode including some of these AWESOME lines:
- to Doctore) " You have no mother! You were belched from the cunt of the underworld—that's why I favour you
- (to Spartacus) "You kiss my cheek, only to finger my ass? Speak, before I carve out your fucking tongue!
- (to Spartacus) "You shit on honorable agreements and press for fresh demands. Tell me Thracian, how will you pay for her release if found? Humm? Her transport? Do you shoot magic coins out of your ass? If so, squat and produce!"
- (to Ovidius) "No child is unstained by the deeds of his father."
- "At last, the gods remove cock from fucking ass! Ha ha!! The House of Batiatus, no, the House of Quintus Lentulus Batiatus rises to the fucking heavens!!"
- (to Syrians) "... turn thoughts toward escape or fail in its charge, and I'll have you parted from your cocks and crucified."
- (to Solonius) "YOU COUNSEL TO SUCK THE COCK THAT PISSES ON ME!!!"
- (to Lucretia and Solonius) "He brings... words and gifts from Tullius, who yet still seeks Gannicus to swell his ranks! Now, let us set aside such petty grievances in service of... reason and reward he offers twice the sum refused! And what I wonder, does good Solonius receive for convincing me to spread cheeks and accept deeper ramming!"
- (about Glaber) "That shit fuck beckons me to the city only to spurn me like a thin-waisted whore. Once again the gods spread the cheeks and ram cock in fucking ass!"
- "Jupiter's cock!
- "Juno's cunt! What now?!
- (To Solonius) "You are not the first to die for that mistake"
- (To their slaves before his death) "I'm your dominus, I will have your fucking heart
He WILL be missed! Cant wait to watch more of him in Gods of the Arena!
Varo - the ghost boyfriend of Spartacus
Oh Varo how art thee. Did anybody else feel that Varo did not belong on this show. For one, he has blond curly hair and never looks dirty. His body is chiseled and i think made of metal. I believe he is what Michelangelo modeled his statue David after. Having said all that, i felt like he would just appear out of nowhere and be by Spartacus's side. I was thinking that M. Knight Shamalyan was pulling a fast one on us at first. Then, he dies and i was actually sad. No, i didnt cry but it was a great scene. That little spoiled fucking brat Numerius deserved to die the way he did by Varo's wife, which was a fantastic scene. His character's death was a huge pivotal turn in the show. We watched 5 straight episodes after his death. Thank you Varo.
Beautiful waxed bodies
Am i missing something here? Why are all the women so beautifully waxed? I know. I know. It's a tv show but at least make it somewhat believable. How so? Ok. Every single slave girl is SMOKING hot. And they have tons of makeup on. They obviously dont bathe as it took Lucretia and Batatius some money to finally buy a bathtub. So how is it that they are so beautiful. Every scene we see completely beautfiul shiny legs. I am certainly not complaining. Just confused. Why? Well, they show a naked women who clearly has waxed everything on her body EXCEPT her most precious regions. In steps a naked chiseled gladiator. Every single piece of his body contains 0 hair on it and 0% body fat. You mean to tell me that 3000 years ago men somehow magically removed all the hair from their bodies including their buts and penis region BUT the girls forgot to groom their vagina.. come on!
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| Seriously??? |
Jackets not needed
The show takes place in Capua, Italy which is located here:
Now i know that today there is "global warming" but i'm assuming, for the most part, the weather was very similar to what it was then. If you look at the pic, it is directly across from good ol' NJ..where i live. The weather right now is in the 50s. If i took my clothes off and walked around in a loin cloth i would be freezing. Yet, it never ever seems to get cold where they are on the show. Did i miss something?? My wife needs 7 sweaters when it gets a little chilly on a summer night. These women walk around topless. Maybe we are the pussies??
Horse Cock!
Jupiter's cock!! It was very hard to miss the derobing of a young Gladiator who was sporting something that put John Holmes to shame. That thing was like an extra sword when he needed it. He either had an advantage in the ring because he had an extra weapon he was able to swing around when needed OR a disadvantage as it was creeping up his asshole while he was fighting. But one of the best scenes in the show was when they showed the ex happy-go-lucky gladiator with his missing prize. Batatiatus probably cut it off and kept it as a dildo for his slave to use on his wife. Nice!
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| Advantage or disadvantage? |
Illythia
One of the best characters on the show, imo. This bitch is the one who basically got Spartacus captured in the first place after she persuades her husband to turn her back on the Thracians. Then, is the one responsible for having Spartacus kill his gay lover Varo after seducing a 15yr old to persuade him to give the order. Somehow she escapes and its a good thing. Looknig forward to her next season.
Protein, shakes, carbs, dieting, bodybuilding - all overrated
The one thing that i have learned from Spartacus is that dieting is overrated. If you want a Gladiator body you have to not eat and drink at all and train for 22 hours a day swinging a sword and getting your ass kicked. Perhaps, Krank Systems needs to start incorporating Gladiator training in their workout regime. Another thing i have learned is that pain does not exist in Spartacus' dojo does it? These fuckers get their asses kicked only to heal within seconds. Is there a secret herb that we are not taking? Did they bathe in Neosporin or was it called Neospartacus originally? I get a paper cut and it takes a week to heal. These guys get gashes on their bodies from dirty swords and they are in perfect condition the next day. |
| The original Krank Systems |
Player Hater Crixis
Women don't like Crixis.....they LOVE him! I looked forward to a Crixis fight because it meant that we would see girls flashing their perfectly cleaned, shiny, boobies to him as he enters the arena. Basically, the bad guy on the show, he proved at the end that he is loyal to his "brotherhood" and helped with the revolt against Batatiatus. It's going to be interesting to see how these 2 get along outside these gates.
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| Im gonna go fuck the Domina. And then i will fuck her slave. And then my friend i will come back and fuck you just the way you like it!! |
Bizarre Love Triangle
Ahh.. the golden days, as i call it. The times when one can have sex with their master and the master's slave. The good ol days. Today, everything is just too political. But back in the day, one can have sex with their master and their master's slave and still eat their cake too. Lucretia has sex with Crixis but why? Apparently we learn how this is to be in the Gods of Arena. But for now we question. How the hell did he wind up having sex with her slave? She was a virgin for christs sakes. Way to deflour. There were times when i would question the tv and say how does Batiatus not know that Crixis is shagging his wife as she would have a nervous breakdown whenever Crixis was to fight. That's balls of steal to bang your master's wife. They dont play that in the hood where i'm from.
Awards...
Biggest drunk - Everybody but a slave is an alcoholic. Jupiter's cock do they like their wine!Best death - I would like to say Batiatus but it wasnt that great for me. I really enjoyed the death of Numerius. That scene was freaking so well done. Varo's wife was haunting as she approached Numerius speaking of her husband with him not knowing her intentions and then BAM!
Best Fight - Hands down the fight with Theokles was awesome! However, the dude who fought Spartacus in the pits with the freshly "Fugitive" mask was great!
Saddest moment - When my wife and i realized that we watched all 12 episodes and started the prequel only to find out that we actually had 1 more episode (episode 13 - the finale) that we missed resulting in us finding out that Batiatus dies.. Boooo us.
Best Quote - So many but "Jupiter's cock" takes the prize.
Biggest surprise - So many BUT i would have to say it is when Spartacus is bed ridden because of a small wound from his boyfriend Varo. Spart has had his face and head bashed in, had every piece of his body cut by a dirty sword and had sex with dirty Illythus; but it is a small scratch from Varo that puts him almost on his death bed.
Best Overplayed Scenario/scheme - Ashur tricking Solonius that he will go against Batiatus only to be framed for the murder of the magistrate seemed sooooo far fetched.. but .. it was still awesome and it worked so boooo me.
Best Sex Scene - Hands down Barca and Pietro. Bet nobody saw that coming.
Best Kiss - Unfortunately, we didn't see these but they were the ones between Varo and Spartacus. Yes, it happened.
Biggest Whore - Illythus, i believe, would have sex with a rock if it promised her good fortunes.
Biggest asshole - Tough one. Batiatus, Ashur and Illythus all take the top prize. But i think Batatius wins. He killed Spartacus's wife. Seriously? Who does that!
Guess Those Pecs..
How well do you know your Gladiators.. well take the Guess Those Pecs test. Match the letter associated with the number that is tied to the gladiator who you think has those pecs.
- Spartacus
- Pietro
- Crixis
- Solonnius
- Doctore
- Varo
To see the answer highlight here -> A3, B6, C1, D5, E2, F5
How did you do??
It was a great season and looking forward to the Prequel.. and then season 2. Future blogs to come. Stay tuned!
