Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Bachelor Ep1 - 50 Shades of Wine

The first episode of this seasons The Bachelor proved once again that women will do ANYTHING to be on tv.  This was proven more than once when a token fell on her face while performing a back flip for the Bachelor - talk about first impression, a sloshy drunk took to her strange and over-the-top addiction to a certain character named Christian Grey exhibiting her rare talent-to-be with a tool called a necktie that she exuberantly played peek-a-boo with a few times keeping it out harms way in her breasts, a drug-induced? bride-to-be who through it all out there, literally, by wearing a wedding dress, a second-chancer Kacie B makes her way back to once again make an ass of herself - poor girl, and finally a Bachelor who resembles Steve Sanders from 90210 who just can't, for the life of him, keep his shirt on - we get it, you have abs.


Meet Sean Lowe, Dallas TX native, who has a keen interest in showing off his svelt body for all of the US..i mean a keen interest in finding his future life on a game show. I've said it before and I'll say it again ladies - This show is not about love or finding love.  I believe the show's record now is like 1-18 for successful marriages.  The show is about getting found and thats exactly what everyone on this show is looking for.  Shit.. i'd join if my wife would let me.  Regardless, it is VERY entertaining shite that i really really enjoy watching.

The show starts with Sean exercising with his shirt off of course because this is something every man does.  Suddenly, as if he was really surprised, Ari (remember him?), pays his old rival a visit.  Something goes wrong and the next thing you know gingervitis breath (i dont know why but everytime i look at Ari i think he has gingervitis stinky breath) is teaching Sean how to kiss.  There was some unseen footage that they just couldn't show due to believability in the show.


Unseen footage of Sean and Ari


One thing leads to another.  

Luckily, this footage was kept confidential and the show continues.

The women worth noting:




Tierra - She gets an emmy nomination for her acting when she finds out that the Bachelor will be dreamy homosexual Sean.  She then shows up at the house and says 3 words to Sean and shows him a half heart tattoo on her finger and he runs away to grab a rose for her.  Truth is he went to the bathroom to take a quick shit from all the protein shakes he drank prior but thanks to editing they were able to make the rose thing happen.  No but really.  She really showed him her tits and thanks to editing they were able to leave out the BJ he recieved just prior to giving out that rose.  Way to earn that tiara, Tierra. 






Token #1 - aka Robyn - quirky african american who talks like Michelle Obama.  This is the bitch who face plants after trying to impress her future white boy husband.  So much for all those practice flips you were doing in your apartment just prior to meeting Sean.  Gabby Douglas looks away from her TV in disgust.  Way to represent Robyn!





Diana - The first contestant with more than 1 child?  Did the Bachelor series jump the shark??  Talk about commitment.  Not only do you get a fake wife on a fake tv show but now a whole fake family!  Why on Earth would Sean pick her?  He's a man and has a penis.  He doesnt want a family IMMEDIATELY.  Although looking at that above footage he may not even want a wife. What's next on this show a girl with 1 arm??  Oh wait.. 





Sarah - She can pass for Cameron Diaz's ugly cousin.  She is insecure and has some issues.  Oh and she has 1 arm.  This is apparently the elephant in the room that not 1 person addressed.  1 arm Willy wasn't hesitant about telling Sean the obvious, that she has 1 arm, on her alone time with him.  Of course he looked past that and gave her a rose... to the wrong arm.  Dumb blonde Sean.    




Ashley P aka Ashley Grey - She is the poster girl for the 50 Shades of Grey phenomena.  What she proved is that a simple vanilla sex loving girl can do wacky things when trying to simulate actions being done in the "Bible".  


“I'd like to bite that lip," he whispers darkly.
I gasp, completely unaware that I am chewing my bottom lip and my mouth pops open. That has to be the sexiest thing anybody has ever said to me. My heartbeat spikes, and I think I'm panting. Jeez, I'm a quivering, mess, and he hasn't even touched me.”
All this does is make vulnerable men, like myself, say lines like "you will force me to use my rape whistle".  If i suddenly tied my wife up with my Dolce and Gabanna (name dropping) tie that I pulled out of my pants in a peek-a-boo way and bit her lip 2 things would happen - She would scream in horror and cry and probably bleed from me biting too hard forcing an awkward visit to the First Care place.  I will just stick to my vanilla ice cream sex with a little bit of whipped cream and sprinkles on top. 



Desiree - When she meets Sean she takes him to the nearby fountain to throw a coin in it and make a wish. Sean quickly realizes that his wish didnt come true as she is still standing there with that stupid smile.  I'm highlighting her for 2 reasons.  1 - The name Desiree always reminds me of a fat girl but yet shes kinda hot.  and B - her last name is what takes the cake - Heartsock.  I can go on for hours making fun of this name. I will be having a lot of fun this season with this heart suck name.  



Nikki Minaj Ashley P - Ashley P, who resembles Nikki Minaj in which she can't decide if she's black or white, certainly played the ghetto girl as she tried to trance Sean with her hoodness. It didnt work.  Clearly, Sean is a privy, straight A, white boy who has never been around seducing black women before. He doesn't understand the lingo.  I can't blame him though.  The amount of makeup that Nikki Minaj Ashley P wore looked like she was either auditioning as a judge on American Idol or the circus; but clearly not a contestant for the Bachelor.  I believe she would have been a BEYOOOTCHH, bigger than the ultimate C word Courtney, if she stuck around.  Boooo




Kelly - "She looks like an adult on toddlers and tiaras" - Rosie Bart.  My wife couldn't have said it any better.  Holy makeup Batman.  There was a moment where I could have swore her dress was turning brown because of her runny bronzer.  And because Sean doesn't like black chicks he had to let the wannabe go home.  



Sean bends the rules by handing out a first impression rose to pretty much the entire cast of woman except like 6.  This leads the girls on a crazy counting spree and we quickly learn that most of these girls just cant even count let alone look pretty.  It's obvious that Sean is on a no-shenanigans policy this season.  


"To get to a womans heart is to give another girl a rose and watch her go crazy" - Confucius

Some things..

If your name is Ashlee, Ashley, Ash Lee, then you have a chance to be a contestant on the Bachelor. 

Why is the ground always wet when the ladies get out of their limo?  Is this a subliminal message indicating that the women are wet?  Or is that my other brain taking over again?

Either Sean really really likes black women or the show is trying to diversify their audience a bit more.  There are 3 tokens this year!!  This is clearly a first.  Is a black bachelor/bachelorette in the near future?  If so, they should just change the name to Flavor of Love. 

After like 45 minutes of solid footage of the entire season, i can say it looks like i will have a lot more to write about.  

Ta Ta for now Bitches! 

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